Helpful Apologies

Jeremy Taylor, writing from several centuries back, states the sixteenth rule for humble living (out of nineteen), “Be not always ready to excuse every oversight, or indiscretion, or ill action, but if thou beest guilty of it confess it plainly.” To beest humble, one must beest ready to apologize.
            When I’m queen, all citizens will be required to take a class on humble living, at least one whole week, students will practice making apologies. A true apology comes from a contrite heart when the person realizes that a personal mistake or selfishness caused another to suffer.
            This past year, a company charged us double for an annual insurance premium. Fortunately, our bank account had enough to cover the insurance company’s mistake. By the time I discovered the error it was closing time on Friday, and the company employee said she would look into it the next business day. I may have imagined the disbelief in her voice, but it seemed she doubted that they would make such a mistake.
            On Monday morning, the representative phoned me to say they had double billed us. As we closed out our conversation, I thanked her for solving the issue. She replied, “No problem.” I realize that “No problem,” has become a phrase that can mean, “I’m happy to take care of this for you.” However, when a person is troubled in the least or double billed several thousands, a more appropriate admission of guilt keeps customers happy, “I’m sorry we double billed you. We do appreciate your business.”

            I bring this topic up because often the phrase “no problem” has filled in where an apology would be more appropriate. After a customer has struggled with righting a billing issue, the last thing I imagine they want to hear in the same sentence are the words “no” and “problem.” Businesses would do well to train their personnel in making sincere apologies.

            Most apologies come from humble people, who have consciences, and who have made a practice of saying, “I’m sorry.” However, some find confessing a wrong difficult. While others, will only admit a wrong when caught or confronted. We’re also good at vague apologies, “I’m sorry for what happened.” Instead, a noble apology will admit fault and seek forgiveness, “I had no right to call you names. Please forgive me.” Mignon McLaughlin said, “True remorse is never just a regret over consequence; it is a regret over motive.”
            When was the last time you admitted a wrong aloud? Take a minute to ponder that. We commit infractions almost daily, and they often harm someone. In the heat of a moment, we verbally wound husband, wife, child, or close friend. We cast rude or impatient glances. We become exasperated and impatient and it shows in our behavior.  

            Another kind of apology is the one that has a “but” in the middle. “I’m sorry, but my alarm didn’t go off and that’s why I’m late.” As one person said, “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”
               This week, act upon your pledge to live a humble life. Apologize when you’re wrong. Be sincere. Ask for forgiveness. Leave out the “but.” To better your life and your family’s lives, remember what Lynn Johnston says, “An apology is the superglue of life. It can repair just about anything.”
            Hunger for Humility (Week 46): “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)

The Priest and Leprosy in MId-1800s

The ten-square-mile Makanalua Peninsula juts into the Pacific below the world's highest sea cliffs. An internet site about the island says, “It's been blessed by nature's grandeur and cursed by humanity's ignorance and fear.” To this day, it remains home to forty elderly patients sent there many years ago because they contracted Hansen’s disease, the proper term for leprosy. At least one humble priest learned contentment there as he served those less fortunate.  

     This week, we look at rule number fourteen from Jeremy Taylor’s (1613-1667) nineteen ways to live humbly. He encouraged all to rejoice when others rise to higher positions or achievements:  “Be content that he should be employed, and thou laid by as unprofitable; his sentence approved, thine rejected; he be preferred, and thou fixed in a low employment.” Key words in this rule about humility are “be content.” The longer I live, the more I realize that life goes downhill and uphill again. This pattern repeats throughout life, challenging us to remain contented even if others receive seemingly better assignments from God or man.

     If we can focus on helping others instead of our misfortunes, it’s easier to be content. I recommend renting or buying the movie “Molokai: the Story of Father Damien” (available on Amazon) or reading the book.  

     In 1865, leprosy plagued those living in Honolulu, and officials shipped the ill to the desolate Makanalua Peninsula. There, they dwelt in makeshift shelters and caves, living with the bare necessities of life. Seven years later, Father Damien volunteered to go and help knowing that he might contract the disease. Instructed not to touch the diseased, he purposefully touched them as he fed and cared for them.

     For fifteen years, he labored almost single handedly to alleviate suffering. He pled for supplies and extra help, but few had the heart to face the constant sorrows and weary work. King Kamehameha V brought into law the “Act to Prevent the Spread of Leprosy.” About 8,000, between the years of 1865 and 1969, went to live as exiles on Molokai. Today, about forty aging people, who have the disease (no longer contagious, but some disfigured), have chosen to remain on the island, although they are isolated from most of the world.

     Hansen’s disease is the most misunderstood disease in the world. Myths and ignorance about the disease were rampant in the mid-to-late 1800s when Father Damien volunteered to help. Today, medical science knows that about 95 per cent of the population cannot contract the disease. With proper diagnosis and treatment, it is no longer debilitating. The diseased person remains noninfectious after only a couple of doses of medicine and may remain with family even though treatments last for several years.

     The United States documented only 213 new cases in 2009. The social stigma still exists in most of the world and may be more difficult to deal with than the physical illness.  

     What if the clock turned back to the year of 1876, and a call for volunteers went out to serve the colony of ill. If we had no physical obstacles, would we have the inclination to serve others, supposing that we could contract the disease?

            Jesus gave an upside-down message to those who sought greatness in God’s kingdom. They were to serve. He taught his disciples that they were to approach any with this question on their minds, “How may I serve this person?” We can consistently seek the higher good of others, even though we live within a culture of self-indulgence. Be inspired by Father Damien’s story, who allowed others to ascend to hierarchy as he became lowly in spirit and content to dwell among the lonely and hurting.

     Hunger for Humility (week 40): “Whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant.” (Matthew 20:26)

     Cathy Messecar welcomes comments at www.cathymessecar.com

Secret Giving

How many good deeds do you perform in secret and then allow them no voice, notice, or public arena? In conversations with friends, we easily mention our schedules, what we’ve done or plan to do, even if we don’t intentionally spotlight kindnesses we’ve done for others. Today, we consider Jeremy Taylor’s (1613-1667) fourth rule for living humbly. You’ve probably guessed by now that it encourages doing kind deeds in secret.

            Rule number four, again in the language of Taylor’s day, “Love to be concealed and little esteemed; be content to want praise, never being troubled when thou art slighted or undervalued.” I first became aware of Jeremy Taylor’s writings in Randy Harris’ book, “Soul Work: Confessions of a Part-Time Monk.” In it, Harris says about Taylor’s fourth rule for living humbly: “This doing things in secrecy is one of the best ways to check our motives.”

            In a weekly Bible class, my co-teacher and I staged application stories for four- and five-year-olds, encouraging them to take the Bible lesson out of the church building and put them to practice in their lives. One night, we studied about giving in secret. The skit we wrote and acted out centered around two teenage boys mowing and cleaning a widow’s yard before her return home from a hospital stay. As our students watched, Ms. Doris and I transformed into teenagers: we donned our baseball caps, pushed an imaginary lawn mower, made mower sounds, and raked an imaginary yard.

            In our imaginary secret-giving scene, the two “clean-up boys” hurried to finish their job because they didn’t want any praise or thank you from people. This was to be a hush-hush act of kindness. They only wanted God to know.

            Admittedly, secret acts of giving may be a bit more difficult to accomplish. A few people might know if you are a blood donor, but the recipient doesn’t ever meet the donor who gave the “gift of life.” The family home remains a prime place to give secretly: clean dust from under the bed, rake debris from gutters, keep rolls of toilet tissue on dispensers, or match socks for a family who boasts 14 feet. Giving without trumpeting the deed to all becomes secret giving.

            Giving through a third person is another avenue for accomplishing an unseen kindness. Special Bank accounts offer a way to give in secret to people who have suffered tragedies and incurred unexpected medical or funeral expenses.

            This past holiday season many secret Santas paid off toy lay-aways, giving families flexibility in tight budgets. Making sure that more than popcorn graces the table of the hungry expresses God’s love. When one accomplishes secret giving, the giver avoids the temptation to give a self-pat on the back or listen for applause.

            A young boy named Ben came to me the following Wednesday night after our secret giving class, and in five-year-old innocence reported, “Teacher, one day in school there was paper on the floor. I didn’t even drop it there, and I picked it up and put it in the trash. Nobody saw me, and I didn’t tell my school teacher.”  Oh, how I hugged Ben! He listened. He learned. He obeyed.

            Secret giving is very much worth the extra effort because it helps cleanse a spirit of selfishness and reminds one to honor God. After all, God humbly gives numerous gifts to you each day without a smidgen of fanfare.

            Hunger for Humility (10): “Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven . . . your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you” (Matthew 6:1-4).

         

Accept Correction with Humility

            If practiced, Jeremy Taylor’s third rule for living humbly will help one avoid becoming a hypocrite.  Taylor’s (1613-1667) third rule in the language of that day: “Whatsoever evil thou sayest of thyself, be content that others should think to be true.” He explained a bit further by saying “But he that calls himself intemperate, foolish, lustful, and is angry when his neighbours call him so, is both a false and a proud person.” My interpretation: A humble person will recognize their own failings and will not be angry with others when they also recognize the same frailties.

            No one likes to have their flaws pointed out by others. Even when a friend or enemy is “spot on” in their assessment, it doesn’t make it any easier to hear that one hasn’t lived up to their own expectations or others’.

            Mark Hayter, The Courier columnist, has written about the Parkers before. The Parkers were mutual friends of ours. Grandmother-aged Ruby Parker was among a group of younger wives as we spoke of how a woman can sense a mood shift in her husband. Ruby told us that when she saw Roger in a pensive mood, she made a practice of recalling the events of the day to see if she might have offended him through her words or actions. If she thought of an offense of hers, she simply asked Roger for forgiveness. If she couldn’t think of anything, she gently asked Roger why he was quiet. Sometimes, he was just tired. Whatever way he answered, because Ruby opened herself to hear how she might have failed, she kept dialogue open between husband and wife. I’ve always remembered Ruby’s example of humble living. 

            Sometimes, when a spouse or friend or even an enemy points out a flaw, we can show we accept their honest critique by using humor. Humor extends good nature to the one courageous enough to talk to us about our failings. A Yogi Berra story illustrate this: When driving to the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, Pennsylvania, with his wife Carmen and his three sons, Larry, Tim, and Dale, Yogi got lost. His wife Carmen, in Yogi’s words, “was giving me a hard time.”

            Yogi finally said, “We’re lost, but we’re making good time.” Even though humor softens tense moments in relationships, one can assure the person pointing out the fault that the topic will get serious consideration.

            As part of my study on humility, I’m reading Andrew Murray’s “Humility, The Beauty of Holiness.” Murray (1828-1917, with 240 books to his credit), wrote, “I feel deeply that we have very little conception of what the Church suffers from the lack of this divine humility – the nothingness that makes room for God to prove His power.” I suspect that even after a year of focusing on humility in this column we will have only nibbled at the corners of humility.

            This next suggestion is sort of like the person who said, “Don’t pray for patience.” They found that when they asked God for it, a hardship came along as the teacher. I want to encourage you to watch for criticism that comes your way this week, and instead of bristling like a cat, let those spine hairs down, and simply say, “I’ll seriously consider what you’ve advised.” In sincerity, you can even be more generous and say, “Thank you.” When you leave their presence, do just what you said. Consider the advice. Don’t fume. Don’t tell others about the corrective conversation.

            I hope we all learn lessons this week, but you know what that means – that we’ll all receive correction. So, if your neighbor, as Jeremy Taylor said, calls you a fool, your humorous “response” could be, “Been there. Done that.” 

            To keep us uplifted on this journey, consider Elizabeth Harrell’s six benefits of seeking humility, mentioned in an article at Lifescript.com and shortened here for you: (1) Humble people tend to respond rather than “react” to challenging situations. (2) When we humbly serve others, we reduce the focus on our own problems. (3) People feel comfortable around a humble person. (4) Practicing humility opens the door to wisdom because humble people listen more than they speak. (5) People trust you when they recognize your genuine interest in them, and that your goal is not to promote self. (6) Humble leadership creates loyalty when others see you rejoice at their successes.

            Hunger for Humility (7): “Go out into the world uncorrupted, a breath of fresh air in this squalid and polluted society. Provide people with a glimpse of good living and of the living God” (Philippians 2:15 MSG).

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Humility Pretense

“Hang down your head, Tom Dooley, poor boy, you’re bound to die.” Those lyrics came from a folk song made popular by the Kingston Trio in 1958, written about the events surrounding the 1866 murder of Laura Foster, in Wilkes County, North Carolina.

            The convicted murderer’s original spelling of his name was Tom Dula (the last “a” was often pronounced like a “y” by Appalachians, thus the spelling change). Some believe he was protecting a former girlfriend, thought to have murdered his current sweetheart, Laura. Standing on the gallows before his hanging, he reportedly said, “Gentlemen, see these hands, they never harmed a hair on that girl’s head.”

            Today, a wrongdoer, during an arrest, often ducks his or her head to avoid having their face shown by a television camera. The turning away from a camera or lowering of the chin could be from real remorse or rebellion because of their capture. Let’s consider another way one lowers their head. Jeremy Taylor’s (1613-1667) second rule about living humbly mentions that the outward appearance and posture doesn’t necessarily show humility. Following is the rule in the language of the 1600s:

            “Humility consists not in the railing against thyself, or wearing mean clothes, or going softly or submissively; but in hearty and real evil or mean opinion of thyself.” The rest of the rule, “Believe thyself an unworthy person heartily, as thou believest thyself to be hungry, or poor, or sick, when thou art so.” I’m uneducated in language of that era, and I had to read the rule several times and research before attempting an explanation.

            Taylor tells us that the outward show of humility isn’t true humility. Only when one acknowledges unworthiness does one move toward humility. The apostle Paul captured the essence of rule number two when he said, “There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus” (Romans 3:23).

            Paul didn’t pull any punches. We all sin. Taylor said we don’t wear our humility. We live our humility. We don’t “act” humble. We embrace humility by recognizing our frailties and leaning on Jesus to help us be more like him. I’m never perfect at loving others, even on the days of my best behavior.  

            Humility involves the realization and acknowledgment that temptations to become jealous, prideful, selfish, or entertain ungodly thoughts assault us daily. Far too often, I give into the temptations, but I don’t want the focus of this column to be on failures, I want us to center on our successes because of God’s help.

            Coach Jimmy Johnson revealed to “The New York Times” what he said to the Dallas Cowboys before they took the field in 1993 Super Bowl. He told his players if he laid a two by four on the locker room floor and asked each of them to walk the length, that each player could do that because they would focus on the length of the board. However, if he placed that same board between the tenth floors of skyscrapers very few could walk the length because they would focus on falling. He asked his team to focus on each play of the game as if it were a good practice session. The Cowboys won 52-7.

            This week, instead of humility pretense, focus on each interaction with others. When you present yourself, it’s possible for the outward person and inner person to be very different. We can shake someone’s hand and seem friendly while our mind conjures up criticisms of the other person. Ask God to make you aware of when the two are mismatched. The very best thing occurs when humble behavior and humble thought accompany each other.

            Hunger for Humility (5): “Good and upright is the Lord; therefore He instructs sinners in His ways. He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way.” (Psalm 25:8-9)

            Cathy Messecar welcomes comments or ideas at writecat at consolidated dot net

Self-Imagined Greatness

            In last week’s column, I introduced our topic of conversation for 2012 – humility. Last week’s “assignment”: When you enter any room, think of yourself as the least, and look for ways to serve those present. How did you do? Did you find it tough to do? I certainly did.

            We’re embarking on this journey to deeper humility because Jesus called us to be like him, a servant. He set the perfect example and can inspire us to live as he did. One of the ways we’ll do that is to focus every three weeks or so on one of Jeremy Taylor’s (1613-1667) nineteen rules for humble living.

            The privileges you were born into or now have, do ever feel pride rise up because of them? If so, then consider Mr. Taylor’s first rule of living humbly: “Do not think better of yourself because of any outward circumstance that happens to you.” I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth. That’s one way of saying I was well fed but my family wasn’t the wealthiest on our block in Houston, Texas. However, compared to a child in an impoverished country, I had more than enough.  

            Consider some of the implications of Mr. Taylor’s first rule: If you are a whiz at math, do you get credit because your parents got together and created a mathematical genius? If you were born into a royal family, could you boast that personal achievement would eventually put you on the throne?

            Jeremy Taylor uses the example of a horse that can run faster than other horses. Triple Crown winner 1973, Secretariat was such a horse. A lot of circumstances and opportunities combined to put him in winners’ circles. Self-imagined greatness did not make him a winner. Good athletes’ usually have great DNA and opportunities that contribute to their successes, but how fast they run, swim, or swing a tennis racquet isn’t their true make up. The true make up of a pauper or king is on the inside.

            Richard Hagburg in a June 1996 issue of “Fortune” magazine relayed a story that a wealthy executive told him: The executive and his wife stood in line at a driver’s license bureau to get his license renewed. After a rather lengthy wait, the husband exclaimed to his wife, “Don’t they know who I am?”

            His wife replied, “Yeah, you’re a plumber’s son who got lucky.”

            Naaman, a leper, commanded Aram’s army, but pride almost thwarted God’s intended healing for him (2 Kings 5:1-19). Naaman’s wife had a maid, a young Israelite girl, who said, “If only my master would see the prophet who is in Samaria! He would cure him of his leprosy.” Through a series of inquiries and letters, Naaman finally found his way to the Prophet Elisha’s home. The commander arrived with gold, silver, chariots, horses, and servants.

            Elisha didn’t even answer the door when this officer arrived; he simply sent a message for him to go take a bath in the Jordan River. Everyone knew -- even foreigners -- that the river wasn’t more than a muddy canal. Naaman had imagined the man of God waving his hand around and making a big commotion as he invoked God’s healing. After hearing the prophet’s instructions, Naaman departed “in a rage.”

            However, a lowly servant displayed common sense. He reasoned with Naaman: if the man of God had asked you to do some great thing, would you not have done it? When Naaman ditched pomp and pride, dipped seven times in the murky Jordan River, that’s when his skin became healthy. When pride rears its ugly head, it always casts a shadow on right thinking.

            A French proverb says, “The surest way to be deceived is to think one’s self more clever than others.” For the next couple of weeks, look backward in examination of your upbringing, and if extra attention, awards, or applause comes your way in the next few weeks, remember Jeremy Taylor’s rule for living humbly, “Do not think better of yourself because of any outward circumstance that happens to you.”

            Hunger for Humility (2): “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

         

                                     

                

Humility--Nothing to Brag About

I find truth in what Tim Hansel says about Christians living out our beliefs, He says, “We must take our Theology and make it our Biography.” Through this column, we’ll embark on a journey to do just that in 2012.

            Last year, I read many books. However, one book and several of its reminders really stuck in my mind. The book is “Soul Work: Confessions of a Part-Time Monk” by Randy Harris, who teaches at Abilene Christian University. Randy is part preacher, part stand-up comedian, part professor, part mentor, but wholly dedicated to serving God as a single Christian man.

            He is part of an accountability group. As a group, they also have goals, one being when any of them enters a room that they see themselves as the least in the room. Whether they are the author with the most books, the scholar with the most credentials, or the preacher who has the highest salary, they long to heed the calling of Christ to be the least.

            What do you typically think about when you enter a room where there is one person or several people gathered? Do you think about the enjoyment you will get in their company? Alternatively, do you think how much fun others will have being around you? Maybe you are concerned that your attire matches the occasion. Maybe you have a few cute or fun stories you want to tell, real attention-getters. Or maybe it’s a group of people where you can shine, network, and get a payoff from the contacts in the room.

            How many of us typically walk into a room and ask ourselves, “Who may I serve in this room?” Harris’ practices, guidance, and thoughts challenged me. These words define humility:  humbleness, unpretentiousness, modesty, self-effacement. Self-effacement means looking at other’s needs before considering your own, much like the mother who sees one piece of pie left and declares she never liked pie anyway. Rick Warren said, “Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less.”

            Harris’ gives advice, lifted from the mid-1600s consisting of nineteen rules, Christian disciplines that help his readers develop humility. Jeremy Taylor (1613-1667) was a cleric in the Church of England, who remains best known for his devotional works: “The Rules for Holy Living” and “The Rules for Holy Dying.” Among free spirits, rules are often snubbed as being out of fashion. However, we all live under rules. Try running red lights and stop signs and see how free you’ll be.

            Everyone has a personal rulebook. As a Christian matures, his or her list develops and governs their lives such as, always pray before meals, attend worship on Sundays, and meet at other times through the week with Christians. We have other rules we make to increase the order and harmony in our lives: make your bed every day, never let your gas tank get below one quarter, etc.

            A quest for humility opposes the quest for more power, more money, and more status. When we seek humility, that’s when we say to God, “Put me to work wherever you will.” One might serve breakfast to the homeless at the House of Prayer in Conroe, Texas, one might preach for 30 to thousands, or one might tuck three children in bed at night. James said, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up” (4:10).

            In this column through the next twelve months, our focus will be on humility. Each week, a scripture tagged “Hunger for Humility” will guide us. Again, I encourage you to write them in a notebook or on index cards and keep them near, so you can memorize and reflect on them. Every three weeks or so, we’ll discuss one of Jeremy Taylor’s nineteen rules for living humbly (I’ll introduce the first one next week). Randy Harris said he wrote the chapter on Jeremy Taylor’s nineteen rules because he’s “brilliant at looking inside of us and catching us.” So was Jesus. With the help of Jesus, nineteen tried rules, and scripture, we may ring in the year 2013 as more humble people. Although you realize, it will not be anything to brag about.

            Hunger for Humility (1): “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time” (1 Peter 5:6).

            You may contact Cathy at writecat at consolidated dot net